The Sun and the Moon
by inkcyan
Summary: Killua wonders if he's worthy of his friends' trust. He comes close to killing, yet again, and finds out how much his friends really mean to him. Trust goes both ways, after all.


Sorry for not updating in a looong time! But my finals are coming up, and it's my first time ever having finals, so I've been busy studying.

By the way, read my other fics if you haven't yet!

Disclaimer: I don't own HunterXHunter. End of story.

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One branch

Then another.

After that, a third.

And so on, and so forth, until Killua reached his destination. Which currently meant the top of a very large maple tree. Of course, he could have jumped to the top without a problem, but Killua had always found climbing trees to be relaxing, soothing his nerves and calming him.

It was nightfall, and the velvety dark sky was dotted with stars so bright they seemed to sparkle like diamonds. Killua leaned his head against the rough bark of the tree, and swung his legs from his high perch on a branch. His silver hair contrasted with the dark wood of the maple tree, and seemed to reflect the soft glow of the full moon.

The young boy glanced down at his companions. Kurapika and Leorio were setting up three bedrolls and a hammock. Gon enjoyed sleeping under the open sky, and Kurapika had a liking for hammocks, he remembered. Gon was cheerfully gathering sticks for their dwindling campfire.

Killua sat very still for a few minutes, looking at the cheerful dark-headed boy scurry to and fro gathering the sticks of wood. He sighed, looking a bit morose. _Gon is like the sun, the way he brightens everyone's day,_ he thought to himself. He watched Kurapika smile at something Gon told him. _And I'm like the moon, a pale reflection of the sun._

Killua almost smiled at that. _Hah, it must be Kurapika rubbing off on me. Never knew I could sound so poetic._ A corner of his mouth uplifted slightly, too quick to be seen before it disappeared.

The former assassin then frowned, thoughts trailing off to more unpleasant ideas. _I'm not anything special. People don't really like anything about me. I haven't done anything worthy of respect besides killing. _Even as he thought that to himself, a part of his mind protested.

_Gon, Kurapika, and Leorio like you for who you are! _

But he was set on berating himself for all the things he had done wrong up to then, and banished that cheerful thought from his mind.

_It's…ironic, _he thought. _I was always the pampered one in my family—being the heir. Every day, people would tell me how special I was, how much better I was than anything else. But now, out in the real world with my friends, I'm not even sure if I'm worthy of them!_

It was true, though, that Gon was like the sun, always happy and cheery, delighted at every little thing. He made friends with everyone, and gained the respect of everyone for his steadfast spirit and great strength. Kurapika was probably like a comet, shining in its own special way. After all, comets were rarely seen, but were always memorable. Kurapika had the respect of everyone who met him, if not for his superb intellect and his great knowledge of just about everything, then for his remarkable fighting skills. Heck, even Leorio (who was the most ordinary out of the four) could be liked and respected for his work as a doctor. (Killua would classify Leorio as a star—there were many of them in the sky, but they all shone brightly.)

And really, he just copied some of their traits and made them his own. He was nothing more than a reflection of them, after all. He was outgoing and tried to act happy, like Gon. He was insulting (and slightly perverted), like Leorio. Heck, he even acted like Kurapika sometimes, pretending to know more than he really did.

_I'm really not worthy of them, am I? Especially not Gon. And what if…what if one day I find myself **killing** them?_

Killua closed his eyes briefly. Killua had few friends, and treasured the ones he had dearly. But each time his hold slipped he was reminded of the danger he might pose to the group.

He remembered what had happened when he lost his temper earlier that day. It was a justifiable act, really, and there was a reason why he did it, but he still shouldn't have come so close. So close to _killing_.

---

The man hadn't meant any harm, and was just eager to gossip and spread rumors. Killua himself had to acknowledge that it was a bit…suggestive…for a shirtless Leorio to carry Kurapika on his back while Kurapika had his tribal skirt on. With his pretty blond hair and feminine looks, Kurapika _did _look a bit like a girl. But since circumstances called for it (Kurapika had gone and overstrained himself _again_), Leorio was lugging an unconscious girlish looking Kurapika on his bare back (Leorio had somehow got his clothes ripped).

And then…

And then _that man_ had gone and said something so vulgar, so disgraceful, that Killua had immediately snapped.

Of course, the man had only muttered it to his friend, but with his sharp ears, Killua could hear it clearly. Gon heard, but didn't understand what it meant. Leorio didn't have the inhuman hearing the other three possessed, and hadn't heard at all. Kurapika was unconscious, or the man would probably be long dead. Killua quickly sized up the situation. He noted that the man's defenses were weak, and wouldn't put up much of a fight.

With deadly speed, he rushed up behind the man, nails automatically extending and sharpening. Claws pointed toward the man's pale throat, he switched into assassin mode in the space of a second.

With a voice devoid of any emotion, he threatened the man, shadowed eyes almost completely hidden by his silver hair. "Don't say that again, or I'll kill you."

His claws had been so close to ending the life of yet another. So close he could already imagine the dark red blood standing out against his pale skin and the sound of blood dripping to the ground.

Until Gon had stopped him. He had come up to the stoic assassin and pleaded for him to stop. Asked him to give the man a second chance. Told him that whatever the man had meant, it probably wasn't in any harm and that _surely _the man would apologize

And he had. Blubbering and almost wetting himself, he had begged for his life.

Killua had barely been able to hold himself in. He wanted to shout out to Gon and make him understand that in life, sometimes there_ was no second chance. _But Gon looked so determined to stop him that he just couldn't. And after all, Gon and the others had given him a second chance when he killed that man in the last stage of the Hunter Exam. They had even gone into the Zoldyck estate to get him back and _make_ him to take the second chance! Killua reminded himself that he didn't kill anymore, and forced himself to calm down.

He retracted his claws, let the anger fade away. He gave his warning to the man again, staring at him with dark, dark eyes. "Be grateful that I'm…no longer who I use to be, or you would be long dead. Next time, think before you speak."

He silently turned away and joined Gon, careful not to touch him with hands that had almost killed.

They continued walking, Kurapika still unconscious on Leorio's back.

---

Killua shifted yet again on his perch up in the tree. _Will my past forever influence me? _he wondered. It was times like this that Killua was more aware of his assassin heritage than ever.

But he needed them. He would want to be with them no matter what happened.

He wasn't depressive most of the time, after all. Killua felt happy when he was with Gon and the others, and could laugh easily without any hesitation. He enjoyed playing with Gon, arguing with Leorio, and talking with Kurapika. He depended on them, although assassins weren't suppose to depend on anyone.

"Hey Killua!"

The boy looked down, startled.

Leorio was calling up to him, hands cupped around his mouth.

"Whatcha thinking about? You don't look too happy."

Surprised, Killua could only stare at Leorio. Could Leorio really tell his carefully hidden emotions so easily?

"KI-LLU-A!" Gon joined Leorio in calling Killua from the base of the tree.

"COME DOWN AND JOIN US!"

"Don't really feel like it." He called back. Although he was already feeling better, knowing they cared.

"It's not polite to keep us waiting, you know." Kurapika said placidly, walking over to where the other two were standing, but not bothering to raise his voice because he knew Killua would hear.

"Our circle's not complete without you, after all." He added.

Killua looked down at them a while longer, watching their expectant faces waiting for him to come down.

_They,…they care about me, don't they? And they like me for who I am, faults and all._

Killua noticed that Leorio's foot was impatiently tapping against the dirt ground near the roots of the tree. But somehow, he knew that no matter how long it took for him to come down, the others would wait. They would wait at the base forever, if that was how long it took,…because…

Because they cared.

Suddenly decisive, he jumped down from the tree. They walked over and sat by the fire. with Gon on one side of Killua and Leorio on the other, and Kurapika's understanding face looking at him from across the flickering flames.

"I'm so glad you didn't kill that man today, Killua!" Gon said, suddenly swinging an arm around Killua's shoulders.

"Huh?" He stiffened slightly in surprise. Gon wasn't…mad at him?

"I mean, he made you really angry, didn't he? I'm glad you held yourself back!" He grinned at Killua.

"Mm...I guess." He relaxed again, a small smile touching the corners of his mouth.

And as Killua enjoyed the brief period of rest they had with his friends, he decided that maybe he was a better person than he thought he was. Gon, Kurapika, and Leorio certainly thought so. And he trusted them. They trusted him as well, and he wouldn't betray their trust, ever.

He hadn't killed the man, after all.

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ACK! When I reread this fic, I was shocked at how horrible it was. Especially the ending. Also, the title doesn't really go with the story: I was deciding between "So Close" and "The Sun and the Moon," but decided the second one sounded better.

I considered not posting it and deleting it forever, but decided that maybe I was a bit too harsh on myself. I'll probably find myself rewriting the whole thing sometime though.

I'd really, REALLY appreciate your reviews, so REVIEW!


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